What's A 'Back Burner Relationship'? Here's What To Know
In a time of online dating, relationships are not so simple. Gone are the days when you get a pin from a crush and that means you two are going steady. When things are casual and undefined, it can make seeing people complicated, which is why terms like "back burner relationship" have been coined. You're probably familiar with the concept of putting something on the back burner, such as a task you have in the recesses of your mind that isn't at the top of your to-do list. Similarly, a back burner relationship is keeping someone around but not being fully committed to that person. You can also be in a more serious situationship with someone, or even a full relationship, while secretly keeping your back burner interest around for a just-in-case moment.
According to a 2014 study published in Computers in Human Behavior, back burner relationships became even more readily available with the rise of social media and technology. Platforms like Facebook and Instagram made it easier to communicate with people casually, and interestingly enough, men reportedly had more back burners than women. So how do you know if you're in a back burner relationship? There are certain signs to look for that indicate you're not someone's number one.
How to tell if you're in a back burner relationship
The main way to tell that you're someone's back burner is a lack of commitment. Have you been dating for a while but there's no clear definition of the relationship? If they're not ready to partner up with you, it may mean other prospects are their first priority. Consider how often you two meet up — if it's once in a while on a whim, and always on their terms, you're not being seen as important. Additionally, if you're always waiting around for their texts or calls and are frequently left disappointed, it's probably safe to assume you're on their back burner.
Psychology Today conducted a study on back burner relationships in 2016 and found that it's typical for men and women to string more than one prospect along, so your boo may be casting their net far. Also, if your maybe-partner is a male, be forewarned. The study showed that men had an average of 8.3 back burners, while women had about 3.8. Furthermore, if they're in a committed relationship, 32% of the participants admitted that their significant others weren't aware of their back burners. If you've got a nagging suspicion that your love interest has a black book full of other people's numbers, or is even in a primary relationship, the first step is to just have an open conversation with them.
Ways to deal with a back burner relationship
Communication is always key whether you're in a casual or committed relationship, but if you feel like something's off, you could try talking to your love interest about your feelings in a calm way. Tell them why you feel like their back burner with concrete examples so that they have no way of lying or backtracking. Keep your expectations reasonable and don't hope that you'll get a marriage proposal out of your talk, especially if they already have a primary relationship with someone else. They may act shifty or try to justify their actions. In this case, you'll have to reconsider pursuing a relationship with them.
Alternatively, if you've already gotten that commitment from your significant other and you feel like they're still keeping people on their back burner, or are even guilty of soft-cheating, you still need to have a serious talk. "If you're going exclusive it's time to clear your slate. Come off the dating sites and be with the person you have chosen," therapist Sally Baker told Metro. "If you have to ask them [to stop] they're simply not ready. Have a mutually open, non-judgemental conversation about who else both of you have on the back burner and what you want to do about the people waiting on the sidelines," Baker advised. And, if the relationship just doesn't feel right, remember that it's better to be single than unhappy with someone who won't fully commit to you the way you are committing to them.